21:40, 21/11/2004

Erika Baarova vs Miss K: an experiment

Oil MinistryAlmost exactly one year on, and in the interest of science and accuracy, Evil Twin and international beauty Erika Ingebrand Baarova suggested to me that I resit the questions that Ms. Vicki René asked me in my interview of late 2003. This would give us an ideal control experiment to determine if people's opinions really "change over time". Like their hair.

The re-interview was conducted in a repurposed MOD airbase under strictly controlled conditions, and not boozed up over Yahoo Messenger as it might seem when you actually read it. No names have been changed as, in this case, no-one can be said to be really, particularly innocent.

However, the answers have been retyped by the hands of an actor (Liam Neeson). Why? who knows? Maybe we were bored. Liam certainly was by the end.

The results are fascinating. They're not really. But here they are:

Erika Baarova: OK. can you tell us all, who is Miss K?
Miss K: Miss K is a person who just loves making people happy, through many different methods. Through food, music, sexy ways and karate, sometimes, as well.
EB: are you a good cook?
K: Yes. I enjoy cooking. I am quite versatile also. I can do anything from sushi, Moroccan tagine, to spicy pot noodle.
EB: my brother's Thai green curry is fiendish, I am a master of stew and dumplings
K: I also like getting together with friends and "cooking up" mischief
K: hahaha
EB: ...

EB: Tell "us" about Miss K's Dragnet
K: Miss K's Dragnet is a site where I try and be as classy as possible and not at all pornographic or slutty in any way
EB: thats a nice answer
K: It is like a classy oasis in the smut-ridden malaria lagoon that is the Interweb
K: thank you
EB: next question
K: OK

EB: where are you living these days?
K: I live in London, if you can call it living
K: bloody students
EB: a one word answer just isnt enough is it? when I went to London everyone was Spanish

Aug 2004EB: what is your day to day life like?
K: What sort of a question is that? My day to day life is magnificently frivolous, gorgeous and moist. I spend hours chatting with fascinating people from all over the world and expand my knowledge and theirs. I see myself as a sort of ambassador of loveliness with a mission to protect the values of whatever great things I can think of at the time. And not so solemnly either
K: Also, sometimes, I buy groceries from the local store, and sometimes from a supermarket.
K: And very occasionally I get stuff delivered by the Internet
Miss KK: Other than that, I bathe every day, and eat and drink a normal amount
K: I thank you
EB: wonderful. That was a great answer
K: I am rising to the challenge

EB: When you were growing up, each morning you would look in the mirror. Did you see the same person looking back or was there someone else in that mirror?
K: It depends on lots of conditions. For instance, on Tuesdays, I would often see Isla St Clair, the hostess of Larry Grayson's Generation Game staring back at me. She was trying to tell me something, but the distorting time effects of the silver in the mirror meant that I could only make out certain words, such as "lamp" and "och" and "fumigate". Other times, I would only see a faint luminescence in the mirror, but I would attribute that to the fact that I am Japanese.
K: I think we all have this problem at one time or another

EB: who was you inspiration growing up?
K: I think I would be remiss not to mention Mister Blobby
K: Also, there were many chimpanzees in commercials in those days. They made me think of Jimmy Krankie
EB: the sexual midget. The Chuckle Brothers are father and son
K: Certainly, this led to my desire to transition to become the oddly breasted Glaswegian schoolboy I was not born to be
EB: huzzah! and the world sleeps safe in the knowledge

EB: next q, who do you admire these days
K: My current hero is Erika, the guitarist and sexually arousing frontperson of the mighty Stingers

Smoking 2
Erika is smoking

EB: maybe we shoukd be called the Mighty Stingers as a tribute to John Peel
K: I like that
K: You can alwas adopt or drop the "Mighty" as whim dictates. That would be the proper thing to do
K: Also, if I can have an inanimate object, I would really really like to be a pair of Kylie's knickers. But of course, none of your US readers will have a clue what I'm on about.

EB: bwah! im going to gloss over a few of these questions, what makes you happy? sad? any pet peeves?
K: Happy - Rum based drinks
K: Sad - Gin based drinks
K: Pet peeves - not enough Babycham based drinks
EB: I go for a VT, lots of protein in vodka
EB: good for the sperm
K: Dark rum is my current choice
K: Good for the brain
EB: I had a tequila gold frenzy in berlin, drunk for 6 days
K: Yes, that works too
K: In fact. It's all good

EB: what do you think makes you stand out above others or do you feel youre just "one of the gang"
K: I consider that an insulting question and will not dignify it with an answer. "One of the gang", indeed!?

EB: Would you ever get SRS?
K: I refer you back to the Jimmy Krankie response
EB: genius!

EB: where do you see yourself in the future?
K: I don't see the future, I am the future
EB: again, superb answer

EB: As a transgendered person do you think you have receive proper respect you deserve in life?
K: I insist on it
EB: so thats a yes then, not many to go
K: yes

EB: what do you think you have to offer the transgender community? anything?
K: I make nice pancakes. I can play power chords as well as basic finger picking. I also make good cocktails from whatever you have left over

EB: great! favourite movie? book? fictional character?
K: Krankie Goes To Hollywood is a movie I wish they would make
EB: just the one krankie?
K: I believe they could have up to 12 billion using digital techniques.
K: That would be magnificent
K: Imagine 12 billion of them swarming over Ventura Boulevard
EB: 12 billion jimmys??
K: or the other one

EB: Last one
EB: Words of wisdom? final statement?
K: "In every generation, there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the Vampires, the Demons, and the Forces of Darkness. She is the Slayer."

EB: Well Miss K, I think you've grown up a lot. I think your more comfortable within yourself and I think you are not plagued by avarice, congratulations!
K: I thank you. I feel more settled, and strangely humble now

EB: I was getting quite bored with that towards the end
K: Yeah, the novelty wore off
K: But I felt you reached me
EB: I'm glad, reaching now
K: Reaching, touching. the Interweb is magic.

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